


loss

by okrivqr



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Comfort, Coping, Death, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, Lies, Loneliness, Stress Relief, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29767467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okrivqr/pseuds/okrivqr
Summary: you just needed to find a way to talk to it.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 1





	loss

**Author's Note:**

> how to never stop being sad - dandelion hands

"he's not really gone."

the same words, over and over again. out of his mouth, a lie that was true in his head. lying was one of his coping mechanisms, and it worked.

iwaizumi always heard his voice in his head, next to him, calling him by that stupid name. he missed it, regretting that he took their moments for granted. all he had was the faint memories, clouding his mind.

the voice mail replayed on his phone, iwaizumi trying to find something wrong in oikawa's tone. there was nothing off, besides the fact that he said the three words at the end that should be for couples. oikawa had to have left a hint, but the older male couldn't find it.

he shook his head. he was caring way too much for his liking. it wasn't his fault that oikawa was gone, but again, maybe it was the lies in his head.

iwaizumi picked up his phone, swiping to the messages shared with oikawa. everything was the same, oikawa using emoticons and happy indications. he should've started a conversation that day, instead of always waiting for a message from the younger boy.

iwaizumi had never felt so lonely. he used to have dreams, like any normal person, but they all turned to nightmares that he couldn't rid. he prayed, even though he didn't believe in anything, that he could feel something, such as the love from oikawa's words.

sometimes, iwaizumi would go to the cafe, just for a small distraction. he never thought that he'd be the type of person to journal, but he ended up doing so. he would write about all the little things that he saw, addressing oikawa in every single letter.

he sipped his coffee, watching as people walked in and out. the world was so large, and he was only one human among billions. iwaizumi would give a small smile to kids if they looked at them.

curse oikawa for making him like children. curse oikawa for being his best friend. curse oikawa for dying.

it was a slow process. iwaizumi blamed himself, that the reason oikawa killed himself was because of him. after all, he was the person closest to him, his best friend.

iwaizumi would find himself staring out the window sometimes, mostly at night. he remembered how much oikawa liked stargazing, talking about space. as long as he found something to distract himself, his tears wouldn't blur his sight.

when oikawa died, iwaizumi fell in a state of arrogance. he ignored all his friends, who tried to assure him. if they really wanted him happy, they would keep going, see him in person, not give up.

maybe he fell in a state of depression too. he would never know though, as he locked himself home and quit volleyball. volleyball was the closest thing to oikawa, and he wanted nothing to do with it anymore.

there was a time when iwaizumi sat in his yard, gazing up at the sky. he didn't know how much time had pass, but hours did. his life didn't even feel real to him anymore.

maybe it was the alcohol that he drowned himself in, numbing his body. the feeling of the bitter liquid seeping down his throat, refreshing his system. the comfort of dissociating and feeling the imaginary love was all he needed to bottle inside.

and in all that time, he learned. he wasn't at fault for tooru's death, so he shouldn't be worrying too much. all he had to focus on was himself, and how to move on to make oikawa happy up there.


End file.
